Why do all email forwards have the same voice?

I think we all know the answer to this. The question is could we track her down. She must be a conservative Christian with a strong sense for the obvious. Even if she sees a picture of a cat on a golf cart, she can't resist adding her own commentary like "hang on, kitty!" She also enjoys narrating things as they go along, with phrases like "it gets better" and "there's a surprise at the end". She also types in 35 point font with a rainbow of colors to choose from. She's afraid you'll skip to the end so she puts a good five spaces between each line. Based on this I think it's safe to say she's somewhere in the upper mid-west. All we have to do is take one forward and trace it back all the way. Could you get started on that?